Speed Dating for the Literary Minded

I’m afraid my absence from the digital page has no exciting or dramatic cause. I have not been forcibly kept away from my laptop by tornadoes, floods or any other natural disaster that put saving the world at higher priority than blogging. The misfortune that inflicted this separation upon me was the horror of deadlines, a horror – I hope you will agree – that would send even the most brave and dedicated of bloggers into a mad, referencing-induced frenzy. 

However, I also went speed dating, which happily brings us back to the silliness that is the inside of my brain.  I didn’t go speed dating with the hope of meeting ‘my one and only’ (I don’t believe Ben Barnes or Benedict Cumberbatch would ever go speed dating in Balham), but I did go with the hope of an interesting evening chatting to interesting people…which sort of happened. It was certainly interesting and I certainly did not meet my one and only. I did, however, end up talking to some rather strange people about rather strange things. Mainly because towards the end of the evening the wine had been flowing and, getting bored of asking, “where are you from?” and “what do you do?” I resorted to “what animal would you be and why?” and “Dragons! Tell me about them!” 

One thing this evening did offer me, apart from a hangover and phone calls I have to avoid answering, is the fascinating jewel of procrastination that is 'which literary characters would I like to speed date with?' 

My first thought, naturally, was Dumbledore! But just four minutes with Dumbledore? No, I would need a lot longer than that with him, think of the questions I could ask! Like, why is he suddenly naked in Potter Puppet Pals: The Mysterious Ticking Noise? Then I thought of some more, Jon Snow, Prince Caspian, Achilles… and realised I was only thinking of actors I fancy and that’s not the point. 

Perhaps other Game of Thrones characters? Maybe Ned Stark? But I think we all know what he'd say. 

Or the formidable line “we’ll talk when I’m back.” Words, we’ve noticed, that ultimately result in the death of whichever character has the misfortune to utter them.  

So I’m looking for people who would be interesting to meet, but only for about four minutes and then you want them to leave…tricky. 

1. My first choice is Pi Patel from Life of Pie. I don’t need him to tell me his story; I’ve read and seen it. But, I would enjoy starting off the evening with a large glass of red wine while he looks at me with his rather amused expression and explains religion to me in a way that I genuinely appreciate. I think after four minutes I might become internally confused about my spiritual leanings, so four minutes would be just the right amount of time for me to engage with Pi peacefully. Then, when the timer goes I would feel happy enough to say goodbye and watch him walk serenely to the next person with a feeling of ‘yes, I’ve learned something here’. (But no Richard Parker. I love tigers but being mauled to death on the first date would not be a good start.)

2. My second date would be with Cassandra Mortmain from I Capture the Castle. There’s no particular reason I would like to meet her other than I think we would get on well and that four minutes would be enough time to form a life-long friendship. Then she could invite me back to the castle; I’ve always wanted to live in a castle.

3. Mr & Mrs Beaver from The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe. This might sound silly but when else are you going to get to talk to animals that can actually talk back? Not an opportunity to be passed up, I think. 

4. I think my fourth choice might actually be my favourite. Skulduggery Pleasant, from his own series by Derek Landy. Not only would I get to have a date with a real, smartly dressed and ever-so-polite skeleton detective, but I also find him incredibly funny. Only four minutes with Mr Pleasant would be a shame but I imagine that sit there any longer and he would have to dash off to do some world-saving of one kind or another and I’d prefer it if he didn’t bring any vampires or monsters into this already quite strange concoction of characters. 

5. Finally, to end my rather short but fun-filled evening on a high, I’ve decided on Mr Knightly from Jane Austen’s Emma. I would have chosen P & P’s Mr Darcy, only I don’t think he’d approve of me and it would probably just be really awkward. Mr Knightly, however, is much more cheerful and gentlemanly. He’s also extremely handsome, at least in my head, and I haven’t done any swooning yet. I am supposed to be dating these characters after all so perhaps if I leave Mr Knightly for my last date, my evening could end in a much more satisfactory date-like manner. 

Despite the lack of love at my first speed-dating event, I’m trying it again in a different location, with hopefully different men, at the end of the month. You never know, perhaps with a repeat attempt I might stumble across one of the Bens, or at least a talking beaver. 

A Snowy Silver Lining

 So first I must apologise for my absence over the last few weeks. I've been on placement with the fabulous HarperCollins in the children's editorial and publicity departments and trying to be a real person has taken away most of my brain power. However, I finish next week, which will be horribly sad, in fact, why are you making me think about that? How mean!

Moving swiftly on, I'm currently sitting in my pajamas on the sofa, watching Saturday Kitchen Live, and trying not to look out the window. I can't believe it's snowing...in March. Anyone remember March 2012? There was sun, lots of sun. But, ever the optimist, I thought I would search out that silver lining for you all. Not surprisingly, my silver lining involves books. 

The Perfect Books for a Snowy Day

Harry Potter - All of them, because they are all perfect for all occasions.

The Snow Child by Eowyn Ivey: not only does it look like a beautiful book but the story is just as enchanting. 

Jack and Mable, in their cold homestead in deepest Alaska, don't have any children, something that is a constant ache on Mable's heart. One evening, in a rare and playful mood, they make a child out of snow and decorate her with a scarf and gloves. The next day, the snow child is ruined but there are mysterious footprints leading away from the pile of discarded snow and the clothes are missing. When a beautiful little girl appears in the Alaskan forest, dressed in the same scarf and gloves as their snow child, Jack and Mable cannot help but fall in love with her, but it cannot be winter forever and Mable cannot forget those footprints in the snow. So begins a magical and charming story full of love, mystery and beautiful landscapes. Perfect for curling up on the sofa and pretending the wind howling outside is a wolf cry from the snowy mountains. 

The Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe by C. S. Lewis: An oldie but a goody and certainly a book I never get bored of. Need I tell you the story? If I do then you don’t deserve to be reading this blog and I demand you go out and read the story immediately. I think this book is great for a snowy, miserable day because the adventures of the Pevensey children start on that very sort of day. If it had been sunny and delightful they never would have resorted to hide and seek and Lucy would never have hidden in the wardrobe, fallen through the back and ended up in a snow-covered, talking-animal inhabited and wonderful land known as Narnia. I recommend you read this and then go and try and get in your wardrobe, I can almost guarantee that you will get to Narnia too, as long as you stay in there long enough. 

For those of you who like denial when it’s miserable outside, I am suggesting The Island by Victoria Hislop. OK, so maybe the leper element is not, ultimately, happy, but it is set in sunny and gorgeous Crete. It is also a brilliant story full of secrecy, love and tragedy that I can promise you will be completely sucked into. Alexis has never known much about her mother’s past, but on a life-changing mission, travels to the little Cretan village of Plaka, which holds the answers to the secrets of her mother’s life. It is heartwarming, sob-worthy and has a blissfully beautiful, albeit tragic, setting. Hopefully you will be so swept away that if you keep your back to the window you won’t even notice the misery outside. 

I could go on, but surely this horrible weather will have gone by the time you’ve read all three books right? RIGHT?

The Do's and Do Not's of Dating Like a Fictional Character

My beautiful tulips from...?

If you’re on of the lucky ones going on a date tonight, well, you’re probably not reading this. But, if you are one of those lucky ones and are going out a bit later tonight so have time to sample this literary delight, you are even luckier than first you thought. Why? Because I am going to give you some advice.

A simple list of do's and do not's from the literary world to make your evening less of a disaster, or not a disaster at all if you're very clever. You can give yourself points for each one you know if you like.

DO: jump off several buses, fight some people and partake in a car chase. As long as you order your martini shaken, not stirred, you can get away with anything.

DON’T: accept the honour of being the Hand of the King if it’s offered to you on your way to your date. Ned Stark accepted and unfortunately lost at the Game of Thrones.

DO: put a lot of thought into dressing yourself. If you’ve ever read the Odyssey you’ll know a lot can be gained through a heroic dressing scene.

DON’T: follow any rabbits with pocket watches down rabbit holes. Very unwise. If, however, the rabbit doesn’t have a pocket watch you might be OK, but don’t be late, late, for a very important date.

DO: make sure, if female, that your eyes are looking particularly ‘fine’ this evening. Any Mr Darcy’s hovering around will find you irresistible.

DON’T: marry them if you know they are a member of your rival family. It all ends in tears believe me.

DO: take their hand if they are sitting upon a magic carpet asking “do you trust me?” They might show you a whole new world.

DON’T: be put off if they turn out to be a werewolf. They may lead somewhat troubled lives but some are actually very nice, as long as they’ve taken their Wolfsbane potion, and they make very good Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers.

DO: slam on the breaks if you see a distressed woman running out in front of your car. It could be that she is the lover of your husband and he was previously driving this car, which actually belongs to your lover. Killing her will cause an awful rumpus, as if there isn't enough confusion anyway. (Ten points if you guessed this one).

DON’T: press the red button. (That’s not from any book I can think of but it’s still good advice).

Follow these simple steps and you should have a stress-free romantic evening, I’m sure of it. 

Reading & Eating...Reating

So I thought it was about time I wrote a real and serious blog post about an important aspect of publishing. It had to be something current and on-trend, something clever and insightful.

Then I thought, "Naaa. Those poor publishing folk already spend too much of their time reading important and insightful things, their brains probably hurt. What they actually want to know is what food is good or bad to eat while reading. THAT’S what is really troubling the minds of the mighty book industry, so that is the need I shall satisfy." 

It should be noted that all observations are made on the assumption that one hand is being used for holding your book, no use of book prop is allowed, and the one-hand eating technique is being applied sufficiently. The book being used in my experiments is Moon Over Soho by Ben Aaronovitch, a trade paperback of 380 pages and an excellent read. 

Dish 1: Thai Noodle Salad

For one thing, way too spicy, never trust a veg man when he says it's a mild chilli. I thought this dish would work quite well, the one-handed technique essential for reading/eating harmony was easily applied due to my intense belief that noodle and pasta eating is best done in the slurpiest manner possible. This was mistake number one: huge splash-back. Worse, orange splash-back. If I was the type to be precious about my books then I would have been mightily upset, but I'm not, most of my books have bent spines and wrinkled pages and now, orange splashes. Second mistake was the colour mix. I am usually a huge fan of colourful food, it's aesthetically pleasing and gives an extra enjoyment factor to eating. When trying to read however, it's a bit of a distraction. So dazzled was I by my colourful culinary concoction that my usually masterful book was paled in comparison. 

Dish 2: I-Can't-Afford-Meat-Salad

This was generally a success. As you see, the colour ratio was tipped in the favour of the greens so the mix didn't distract. The spatula did a bit, in the sense that considerable restraint had to be enforced so not to jump up and pretend to play All Along The Watchtower. It was mainly a one-handed meal, only a fork was necessary for the majority of the eating time and the spatula was not actually used in consumption, I just think it's funny. 

What let down this dish was the significant lack of any carbohydrate or anything, actually, of much substance. While you may imagine this would draw the reader deeper into the 'substance' of their book instead, it actually resulted in a need for crackers. This in turn led to a need for a knife and use of the other hand, therefore, the technique was ruined and downwards fell Western civilisation as we knew it. 

The Orange: Disaster! That is all I need to say. D.I.S.A.S.T.E.R

The Cup of Tea: Absolute perfection. BUT, be very careful what you dunk, risky business that can end in a very sad face.

Dish 3: Vegetarian Chilli

Finally, we have a good'n. I promise this was very nice, it just looks a little like uncooked meat and rice with tiny slugs in, but I think that's due to my poor photography skills and forgetting to take the photo before I started eating. 

I could go as far as saying this was a dream of a reading/eating meal. Just apply a nice scoop action to get a good mouthful, ensure a nice balance to the fork before raising it to the mouth to avoid dropping calamities and simply enjoy! I say 'dropping calamities' because with food that red a spillage on the clothes does tend to look like a 'I always empty the dishwasher!' fight gone horribly wrong. However, get those simple steps right and it's not a meal that involves too much concentration. I would say pairing this dish with a good book, such as Moon Over Soho, actually has health benefits. Getting lost in the story slows down the usual warp-speed inhalation usually applied to eating, which I believe, correct me if I'm wrong Michael Mosely, is good for your health. 

THE WINNER

Maybe this was an obvious one considering I'm 24 and a wannabe-publisher. Consumption definitely only requires one hand, unless it's been a really bad day and you need it quickly, then it's the double-handed motion, grasping it to your bosom like an anxious squirrel with an alcoholic nut.  

Do let me know of your experiments, the successes and the failures, together we shall gather together enough reading/eating recipes to publish a book to outsell Jamie Oliver. It shall be called 'How to Reat, a collection of one-handed recipes for those who can't put a good book down'. Some irritatingly clever person may have thought of this genius idea before me so I may need to trademark the term 'reat' as soon as possible (reading/eating for those of you who still aren't with me). 

My World Is Not Enough

Last week, for the seemingly annual celebration of my birth, my oh-so-grown-up friends and I, notably all over the age of 22, went to the most magical place you could possibly imagine: 

                                    Harry Potter World

 I think it’s actually called Warner Brothers Studio Tour London – The Making of Harry Potter, but our name was better. As we see it, we have a better claim to be overly excited by the prospect of Harry Potter World than the many seven year-olds that ran around us at Leavesden Studios. We grew up with Harry! We may have been only eight when Harry first discovered he was a wizard, but with book publishing not dove-tailing exactly with human growth the age gap eventually evened out. We are the generation that fancied him, pined after him and so desperately wanted to be a part of his world that our contentment with our own has been considerably damaged since.

However, as much as I would love to write an entire post on the wonders of the magical world, believe me I could, I haven’t. Instead, I thought about how incredible it is that one story has done so amazingly well that aspects of it can be put on show, miles away from anywhere I might add, and people will pay a considerable sum to go and see them, even purchase replicas. We went just as crazy as the children, more so in fact. I don’t think they squealed quite as much at Robert Pattinson’s Quidditch uniform, and I was more than enthusiastic when allowed to push open the doors of The Great Hall along with the other birthday people/children. You could see The Knight Bus, Dumbledoor’s office and Buckbeak the hippogriff, to name but a tiny few. For us, it wasn’t all about the film memorabilia, that wasn’t what was exciting, it was seeing everything you’d imagined when reading the books brought to life and sitting right there in front of you. I walked up Diagon Alley! I really did! And for that briefest of moments you completely forget it’s a film set, to you it’s as real as the gasps you made when Pettigrew got away, or the laughs you had at Lee Jordan’s Quidditch commentary.

“Um, Evie, this is sounding an awful lot like an entire post on the wonders of the magical world.” 

Yes, it is, sorry, but I do have a point and will lead seamlessly to my blog-post question. 

What other books should have visit-able worlds?

For example, Charles Dickens World. Though I’m not sure this would be quite so fun: mainly dark, smoggy London streets and a feeling of damp foreboding. Unless you had people dressed as the characters, that would add a nice, dramatic element and you could have a Christmas Carol section where you were visited by the three ghosts…doubt it would be as fun without the Muppets though.

But you catch my drift? It’s actually quite hard. I had suggestions of Alice and Wonderland or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory but that’s creating an actual place that the characters go to in the books. I mean more of a world created out of everything you remember from the books, such as a Philip Pullman, His Dark Materials World where you’d find your daemon, meet a dangerous but ever so nice, giant polar bear, go for a ride in Lee Scoresby’s hot air balloon and try not to get caught by the Magisterium.

So in true publishing condiment tradition, I now give the floor to you. Comment away on what worlds you would like to visit, I look forward to your imaginative suggestions.  

P.S. Photos kindly taken and donated by the beautiful Subha Chelvam.