May I Have A Bite Of Your Book?

The publishing industry is in a time of flux. We have to go digital, we need to collaborate, we need more men in the industry…seriously, and we need to be environmentally friendly. So I thought I would do my bit and contribute some cutting edge ideas that not only create a break in the market, but use absolutely no paper, collaborate several different purposes and men can certainly get involved, I can safely promise to encourage that.  Are you ready for this?

Introducing: The Five New Things To Make Books Out Of.

So it may need a catchier title, but I think I’ve explained fairly well where I’m coming from. I believe that multitasking the book is the way forward; everyone likes a gadget and my ideas are highly convenient for that busy bee who still loves to read.

Proposal One: The Edible Book

My first thought, weirdly enough, was a book made out of cheese. I would like to point out that I was intolerably hungry when first thinking about this and after much consideration I’ve decided a cheese book is a silly idea. A sandwich book, however, is genius. This would have to be quite a long sandwich and quite a short book, but personally I don’t think short stories get enough attention anyway. Imagine it, you read a little chapter on your sandwich, then once you’re finish, you simply nibble it down to the next one. You can make it last all day! By the time you get home you’ve not only got the satisfying feeling that comes with finishing a good book, but you’ve been grazing on a delicious sandwich all day, which I’m sure I’ve heard is better for you than three big meals. All in all, a healthy idea; it’s good for the brain and for the waist.

Proposal Two: The Book With Wheels.

Perfect for the person on the go! You can glide past all those commuters queuing at bus stops, jauntily wave at the sweaty and flustered individuals climbing up from the underground and even have some fun weaving and dodging along Oxford Street as you sail along on your four-wheeled, nifty contraption. Then, reaching the office and dreading that long awkward lift ride to the 100^th floor, you simple pick up your mode of transport and start where you left off. Safety helmet and knee-pads provided.

Proposal Three: The Book Tree

When autumn comes it can be annoying having to wade through the piles of leaves covering the pavements; they make it slippy and mulchy and pretty damn dangerous actually. But wouldn’t you feel different when a child kicks a pile of these into your face if, instead of pretend to playfully kick some back and ‘accidently’ kicking the child, if you could smile and grab hold of those flying leaves and say “thank you little cherub, I’ll read these later.” If all the leaves had poems on then autumn would be everyone’s favourite time of year. Some could just have words on and like fridge magnets you could collect them and make up your own poetry. If feeling playful, you could find the few with words like ‘nerd’ or ‘bumface’ on and stick them to your annoying colleague, though of course I would not condone this sort of behaviour.

Proposal Four: The Slanket of Words. (I wanted to merge ‘slanket’ with ‘book’ but realised that’s just ‘blanket’ and I don’t think people would understand).

When you’re wrapped up warm on the sofa and all you want is a good book, even with a skanket (a blanket with sleeves for those uneducated among you) it can be annoying to poke your hands out of the warmth to hold the book and turn the pages. Imagine then, if you could just disappear inside the blanket and read what is written on it instead. No irritating housemates asking you questions because, with a Skanket of Words over your head, you evidently should not be disturbed. No need to hold anything or turn any pages, if you need to move on to the next chapter all you need do is wriggle a bit until you find the next section. Perfect for solitude, warmth and an unsociable read

Proposal Five: The Tiny Projected Book

We’ve all been there; you’ve got stuck in a conversation with Steve from accounting that you just know will go on for at least ten minutes longer than it should. Poor Steve, he means well but it’s just so boring that if you actually listen your brain may melt out of your ears. But you like Steve, you don’t want to hurt his feelings by looking pained or slowly inching away, this is when you turn on your tiny projected book. It could be disguised as anything, an earring, a brooch or even a pen sticking out the top of your pocket. Just subtly switch it on and the book that you are dying to read will appear on Steve’s face! Don’t worry, the projector is cleverly made and won’t blind Steve while he talks to you, but it does allow you to read your story with all its excitement and emotion while staring directly at Steve’s face. He’ll think you are really enjoying your conversation, you’re certainly animated, and you get to have a little time to catch up on some you-time with a good book. Everyone’s a winner.

I see no logistical problems with these ideas at all. I’m even thinking of appearing on Dragon’s Den. That is if I figure out how to make the trees listen to me when I explain my idea to them, right now they just make me feel like I’m barking mad.

If you think of any wondrous solutions to the problems facing the publishing industry at the moment do let me know on Twitter. Together we can change the world, one insanely impractical idea at a time.

Are You a Frodo or a Samwise?

A condiment in regular-foody terms is a relish that accompanies the main dish to embellish and complement. So my blog will be. It’s not quite the after-dinner mint, or the little side plate of horseradish sauce that I see as representing the intellectual side of publishing conversation. More the little flask of flavoured oil that, though rarely used, is always placed on the table during meals and everyone is glad it’s there.

A jolly, comforting little item then that you may turn to when the dooming shadow of Amazon is becoming too much; something to bring a smile to your face when an author tells you for the fourth time that actually, a bit more time really is necessary; to revive that joy in books and stories that, if you look far enough back with a glazed look, you can remember is the reason you got into publishing in the first place.

Therefore, to start of this sunny, soothing and scrumptious side dish I am going to address the charming topic of ‘if you were a famous character who would you be?’ You may scoff, chortle, roll your eyes in a patronising manner and be tempted to turn the page even, but I bet you’ll sit there staring at an article that looks irritatingly important thinking “I’d love to be Frodo but I bet with Sod’s Law I’d end up being Sam.” Because it’s actually a great question, and I’m not fussy how you approach it. Either, you could think of who you’d really like to be due to their amazing adventures, skills or prowess in attracting others or address it as a self assessment; examine your own skills, strengths, weaknesses, threats, opportunities (seem to have fallen into SWOT territory here, but hey, draw the diagram if it brings you joy) and think about who you would really be. That’s what you’re now doing whilst on the train is doing; did I mention you’re on a train? Well you’re on the train to work, dreading an exceptionally boring meeting about how everything is going wrong and you’re feeling depressed. Now you’ve come across this little gem of a question, done the scoffing part and got over it, and are now realising your loyalty, determination and mistrust of small schizophrenic creatures has definitely made you a Samwise Gamgee rather than a Frodo Baggins. You will go on to thoroughly enjoy your meeting because you’ll be playing the same game with your colleagues and you’ll realise your rather loud, moustached boss makes a wonderful Uncle Vernon.

I, however, chose the dream route. This is chiefly due to the weekly self-assessments required of a publishing student, they tend to make the idea of doing one voluntarily enough to make you want to slam you laptop down repeatedly on your fingers. This question has turned out to be particularly challenging and an excellent time waster. Hermione Granger was my first choice: gets to go to Hogwarts and hang out with Harry, is an exceptionally talented witch, goes on adventures….but she gets tortured and ends up married to Ron. Elizabeth Bennett was my second option: clever, witty and beautiful. I would say she’s a pretty good arguer and gets the most handsome and richest man falling at her feet and changing his arrogant ways for her…but no electricity back then or adequate teeth brushing facilities. Can I change sex? I’ve always thought being Sherlock Holmes would be quite fun, apart from the cocaine addiction and the OCD.

I’ve been sitting here for a while now and no answer has revealed itself to me. I’m slightly concerned I’ve unleashed an uncontrollable monster into my imagination and the world. How am I supposed to think about anything else? I’m sure the answer will come to me at some point, probably at horribly embarrassing moment. I’ll be on a date, pretending to be listening and will suddenly stand and shout, “I want to be Fagin!” A sure way not to get a second date if ever I’ve heard one, unless of course he’s a fellow book loving type in which case I can spread the joy, or erstwhile pick a pocket or two.

If you follow me on Twitter, dear ones, then at some point I hope the light bulb will shine, the penny will drop or I’ll jump from the bath with a cry of ‘Eureka’ and immediately tweet my decision.

Happy hunting for your fictional counter parts.