May I Have A Bite Of Your Book?

The publishing industry is in a time of flux. We have to go digital, we need to collaborate, we need more men in the industry…seriously, and we need to be environmentally friendly. So I thought I would do my bit and contribute some cutting edge ideas that not only create a break in the market, but use absolutely no paper, collaborate several different purposes and men can certainly get involved, I can safely promise to encourage that.  Are you ready for this?

Introducing: The Five New Things To Make Books Out Of.

So it may need a catchier title, but I think I’ve explained fairly well where I’m coming from. I believe that multitasking the book is the way forward; everyone likes a gadget and my ideas are highly convenient for that busy bee who still loves to read.

Proposal One: The Edible Book

My first thought, weirdly enough, was a book made out of cheese. I would like to point out that I was intolerably hungry when first thinking about this and after much consideration I’ve decided a cheese book is a silly idea. A sandwich book, however, is genius. This would have to be quite a long sandwich and quite a short book, but personally I don’t think short stories get enough attention anyway. Imagine it, you read a little chapter on your sandwich, then once you’re finish, you simply nibble it down to the next one. You can make it last all day! By the time you get home you’ve not only got the satisfying feeling that comes with finishing a good book, but you’ve been grazing on a delicious sandwich all day, which I’m sure I’ve heard is better for you than three big meals. All in all, a healthy idea; it’s good for the brain and for the waist.

Proposal Two: The Book With Wheels.

Perfect for the person on the go! You can glide past all those commuters queuing at bus stops, jauntily wave at the sweaty and flustered individuals climbing up from the underground and even have some fun weaving and dodging along Oxford Street as you sail along on your four-wheeled, nifty contraption. Then, reaching the office and dreading that long awkward lift ride to the 100^th floor, you simple pick up your mode of transport and start where you left off. Safety helmet and knee-pads provided.

Proposal Three: The Book Tree

When autumn comes it can be annoying having to wade through the piles of leaves covering the pavements; they make it slippy and mulchy and pretty damn dangerous actually. But wouldn’t you feel different when a child kicks a pile of these into your face if, instead of pretend to playfully kick some back and ‘accidently’ kicking the child, if you could smile and grab hold of those flying leaves and say “thank you little cherub, I’ll read these later.” If all the leaves had poems on then autumn would be everyone’s favourite time of year. Some could just have words on and like fridge magnets you could collect them and make up your own poetry. If feeling playful, you could find the few with words like ‘nerd’ or ‘bumface’ on and stick them to your annoying colleague, though of course I would not condone this sort of behaviour.

Proposal Four: The Slanket of Words. (I wanted to merge ‘slanket’ with ‘book’ but realised that’s just ‘blanket’ and I don’t think people would understand).

When you’re wrapped up warm on the sofa and all you want is a good book, even with a skanket (a blanket with sleeves for those uneducated among you) it can be annoying to poke your hands out of the warmth to hold the book and turn the pages. Imagine then, if you could just disappear inside the blanket and read what is written on it instead. No irritating housemates asking you questions because, with a Skanket of Words over your head, you evidently should not be disturbed. No need to hold anything or turn any pages, if you need to move on to the next chapter all you need do is wriggle a bit until you find the next section. Perfect for solitude, warmth and an unsociable read

Proposal Five: The Tiny Projected Book

We’ve all been there; you’ve got stuck in a conversation with Steve from accounting that you just know will go on for at least ten minutes longer than it should. Poor Steve, he means well but it’s just so boring that if you actually listen your brain may melt out of your ears. But you like Steve, you don’t want to hurt his feelings by looking pained or slowly inching away, this is when you turn on your tiny projected book. It could be disguised as anything, an earring, a brooch or even a pen sticking out the top of your pocket. Just subtly switch it on and the book that you are dying to read will appear on Steve’s face! Don’t worry, the projector is cleverly made and won’t blind Steve while he talks to you, but it does allow you to read your story with all its excitement and emotion while staring directly at Steve’s face. He’ll think you are really enjoying your conversation, you’re certainly animated, and you get to have a little time to catch up on some you-time with a good book. Everyone’s a winner.

I see no logistical problems with these ideas at all. I’m even thinking of appearing on Dragon’s Den. That is if I figure out how to make the trees listen to me when I explain my idea to them, right now they just make me feel like I’m barking mad.

If you think of any wondrous solutions to the problems facing the publishing industry at the moment do let me know on Twitter. Together we can change the world, one insanely impractical idea at a time.