Speed Dating for the Literary Minded

I’m afraid my absence from the digital page has no exciting or dramatic cause. I have not been forcibly kept away from my laptop by tornadoes, floods or any other natural disaster that put saving the world at higher priority than blogging. The misfortune that inflicted this separation upon me was the horror of deadlines, a horror – I hope you will agree – that would send even the most brave and dedicated of bloggers into a mad, referencing-induced frenzy. 

However, I also went speed dating, which happily brings us back to the silliness that is the inside of my brain.  I didn’t go speed dating with the hope of meeting ‘my one and only’ (I don’t believe Ben Barnes or Benedict Cumberbatch would ever go speed dating in Balham), but I did go with the hope of an interesting evening chatting to interesting people…which sort of happened. It was certainly interesting and I certainly did not meet my one and only. I did, however, end up talking to some rather strange people about rather strange things. Mainly because towards the end of the evening the wine had been flowing and, getting bored of asking, “where are you from?” and “what do you do?” I resorted to “what animal would you be and why?” and “Dragons! Tell me about them!” 

One thing this evening did offer me, apart from a hangover and phone calls I have to avoid answering, is the fascinating jewel of procrastination that is 'which literary characters would I like to speed date with?' 

My first thought, naturally, was Dumbledore! But just four minutes with Dumbledore? No, I would need a lot longer than that with him, think of the questions I could ask! Like, why is he suddenly naked in Potter Puppet Pals: The Mysterious Ticking Noise? Then I thought of some more, Jon Snow, Prince Caspian, Achilles… and realised I was only thinking of actors I fancy and that’s not the point. 

Perhaps other Game of Thrones characters? Maybe Ned Stark? But I think we all know what he'd say. 

Or the formidable line “we’ll talk when I’m back.” Words, we’ve noticed, that ultimately result in the death of whichever character has the misfortune to utter them.  

So I’m looking for people who would be interesting to meet, but only for about four minutes and then you want them to leave…tricky. 

1. My first choice is Pi Patel from Life of Pie. I don’t need him to tell me his story; I’ve read and seen it. But, I would enjoy starting off the evening with a large glass of red wine while he looks at me with his rather amused expression and explains religion to me in a way that I genuinely appreciate. I think after four minutes I might become internally confused about my spiritual leanings, so four minutes would be just the right amount of time for me to engage with Pi peacefully. Then, when the timer goes I would feel happy enough to say goodbye and watch him walk serenely to the next person with a feeling of ‘yes, I’ve learned something here’. (But no Richard Parker. I love tigers but being mauled to death on the first date would not be a good start.)

2. My second date would be with Cassandra Mortmain from I Capture the Castle. There’s no particular reason I would like to meet her other than I think we would get on well and that four minutes would be enough time to form a life-long friendship. Then she could invite me back to the castle; I’ve always wanted to live in a castle.

3. Mr & Mrs Beaver from The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe. This might sound silly but when else are you going to get to talk to animals that can actually talk back? Not an opportunity to be passed up, I think. 

4. I think my fourth choice might actually be my favourite. Skulduggery Pleasant, from his own series by Derek Landy. Not only would I get to have a date with a real, smartly dressed and ever-so-polite skeleton detective, but I also find him incredibly funny. Only four minutes with Mr Pleasant would be a shame but I imagine that sit there any longer and he would have to dash off to do some world-saving of one kind or another and I’d prefer it if he didn’t bring any vampires or monsters into this already quite strange concoction of characters. 

5. Finally, to end my rather short but fun-filled evening on a high, I’ve decided on Mr Knightly from Jane Austen’s Emma. I would have chosen P & P’s Mr Darcy, only I don’t think he’d approve of me and it would probably just be really awkward. Mr Knightly, however, is much more cheerful and gentlemanly. He’s also extremely handsome, at least in my head, and I haven’t done any swooning yet. I am supposed to be dating these characters after all so perhaps if I leave Mr Knightly for my last date, my evening could end in a much more satisfactory date-like manner. 

Despite the lack of love at my first speed-dating event, I’m trying it again in a different location, with hopefully different men, at the end of the month. You never know, perhaps with a repeat attempt I might stumble across one of the Bens, or at least a talking beaver.